Jeremiah was going along to the shop one day, just to get some Creepy Italian Pasta, and then he heard a "Uhh, come here? (I'm a bit nervous...)".
"Hm?" Jeremiah wondered, thinking of where this voice came from.
"Err..."
And then he jumped on him with knife! The voice said to himself,
"Damnit damnit damnit damnit, I NEED TO HIDE THIS UNCONSCIOUS VICTIM!"
Meanwhile, the police were at the scene, and found him red handed.
The criminal (who was the voice) ran down some stairs in an alleyway which lead to someone's basement.
He put a sack on Jeremiah's head and tied a mediocre knot from his hands to the chair.
The criminal thought to himself, "So do I just... wait?"
He picked up an old newspaper and began to read it.
The newspaper article read, "LESS WINDOWLESS VANS, PEDOPHILE RATES DOWN BY 47%"
A few hours later, Jeremiah woke up.
"Ah, here you are, uhm, what's your name?"
"J-J- Where the hell am I?!"
"Honestly, I'm not too sure either. So we meet aga- no wait we've never met before. How about.. Well well we-"
The criminal nervously twiddled his fingers. This was his first victim and he'd already messed it up!
"Ok uhh just to say I'm new to this whole serial killer, torchering business." The criminal blurted out.
Jeremiah just stood there looking at him with a squint eye.
"Lemme just start the torchering. So uhh, I guess we'll start with knives?"
The criminal proceeded to awkwardly stab Jeremiah's shoulders. Jeremiah constantly screamed in pain.
"What was that?" A muffled voice came from above.
The criminal had forgot to duct tape his mouth!
He quickly got out some Super Glue, then stuck it to his lips. He admired his handiwork. The victim was bleeding, he couldn't scream, everything was going moderately ok!
"I guess I'll get some..." He looked in his Murdering Kit
"...nails?" He thought about what he could do with them. He stuck them in Jeremiah's arms. That was enough damage on his arms. His blood was leaking all over the floor.
The owner of this house would find out!
He quickly grabbed a mop and sweeped it into a cushion which he hid in his Murdering Kit.
He looked in there again and got out some rope. He tied it around Jeremiah's neck then pulled it back. Jeremiah was almost choking to death.
He found a lighter, and tried to burn Jeremiah's hair. It kind of worked...
He was almost dead. The criminal thought of what to do now. Leave him to bleed to death? Yeah!
He left him there, and went up the stairs. There were a family of 5 all having dinner. They stared at the criminal in fear and shock. He was covered in blood!
The family started shouting things like "GET AWAY!" And "CALL 999!" He, meanwhile, was looking in his murderers kit for anything to kill a large group. He found a grenade, pulled the ring, then dropped it at his feet.
He sprinted out if the house, and seconds later it exploded. Body parts were flying everywhere, and the whole house collapsed.
The whole neighbourhood was watching this man come out of a house covered in blood while a house explodes. The police shouted, "FREEZE!"
The criminal could do nothing, but go to jail.
MORAL: This is NOT how you kill someone!